I am writing from the ashes. Over the past week I have been burning in the fire...literally! I had an unusually busy week, the week before last, my cycle shifted gear and I bled early, on day 1 of a doula course I was attending in London. Unable to stop, surrender, rest and receive during the winter of my cycle and after experiencing much emotion during the course, I was exhausted; I returned home spent. I had a friend coming to stay so life’s fullness continued. This body speaks quickly. Within hours the burn of cystitis arose, lasted for a few days, which led to a kidney infection that had me in bed with a fever for 2 days. Uncomfortable, yes, but a necessary cleansing process; clearly waking me up to an aspect of my Self that wanted my attention; an aspect that is ready to go under the microscope, ready to be examined. There is no such thing as illness, only consciousness speaking. So, as I emerge from the ‘burning’ phase, I have been enquiring and listening deeply as to what Love wants to communicate.
I can see clearly now that resistance was speaking; a fight, an opposition, a refusal or inability to accept something in life. This is, in effect, the creation of an inner war, resisting what Is, which of course creates friction and tension. Coincidentally, I broke the flushing mechanism of my toilet a few days before the cystitis began in a fight with the tight fitting lid of the toilet! How beautifully and precisely consciousness speaks; and what wisdom is received when we are able to slow down and listen. :)
So, I am sitting with ‘resistance’, diving into it as I meditate. The words ‘resistance is futile, you will be assimilated’ pop into my head, a blast from the past; the Borg from Star Trek offering me their wisdom. Could there be some Truth in their words? Yes, of course; Love speaks in so many ways. The invitation here, to surrender. There is no use in fighting. Resistance is showing up, ready to be investigated, absorbed and integrated into Love.
When we think of surrender, we think of letting go. Are they one and the same? Well, perhaps a little. For me, surrender is deeper; it is a giving of my Self fully; an inward dropping, offering, bowing down to the Love that I am. Ultimately, we must all discover what it is to surrender; it is an inner experience that cannot be fully described with words.
It is one thing surrendering to bliss or joy or any other pleasurable experience, but how do I surrender to resistance?
Although it feels like a contradiction in terms, I am willing to dive in and see, so I offer myself to it; I drop into the feeling, the sensation, and ultimately, the discomfort. Immediately, there is a contraction, an aversion to the resistance; my right shoulder contracts and I notice the mind creates a distraction; a technique to avoid fully feeling the energy.
Before I distract myself entirely, the question comes, ‘why am I resisting this’? The clear message - because it is uncomfortable and because the mind is judging it to be wrong or not ok somehow. The thinking mind is divisive, it is always separating; like/dislike, comfortable/uncomfortable, good/bad, right/wrong... This is the position of the mind, its job is to categorise, to order, to separate. In Truth, in Love, however, there is no division, no separation, no duality. And since I am That, I cannot separate resistance from myself; it’s all me.
So where to go when there is resistance to feeling resistance (or any other uncomfortable feeling)?
As I continue to allow everything that arises, without expectation, viewing the resistance from the eyes of compassion, slowly, the layers of misunderstanding dissolve back into Love. The resistance begins to be seen as energy or sensation arising in the Stillness and Peace that I am, not separate from, or an obstruction to Truth. This does not happen overnight, nor does resistance disappear overnight. It is a process. It has taken lifetimes to build up the dense layers of misunderstanding, so who knows how long it will take to dissolve all the layers? And more importantly, who is the one who minds? Only the mind minds! We have layers within our layers; each will open and be revealed when ready, like a flower opening to the warmth and light of the sun in alignment with nature’s cycles. We must be willing to allow the flower of awakening to reveal itself in Love’s timing.
No matter what the experience, I am eternally grateful to feel and allow the fullness of experience as it arises; knowing that it is all bringing me Home. It is a moment to moment offering of my Self to the fullness of Love moving through me; opening to a deep intimacy with Life. Is it easy? No. Does the mind have tactics to avoid this? Yes. Is it worth the investigation? Absolutely! Why? For what we resist, persists!
Resistance and turmoil arises when we have forgotten our True Nature. If there is an inner war, there is also an outer war. Turmoil in the world arises out of turmoil in the thinking mind; it is an external expression of misunderstanding. The thinking mind is the Collective Mind. We cannot separate them; there is only One Mind of Consciousness. Therefore, it is our responsibility to purify the thinking mind; to give attention to what is arising, to see the misunderstandings, to be willing to face the personal Self whilst looking from the eyes of Love, right here and now. It is a continual ‘yes’ to Love, to Truth. We must be honest with ourselves, we must be in integrity; to be in integrity is to be heart-centred. We must allow every-thing, without denial or negation. Peace and freedom begins here, within us. As within, so without.
So, the invitation is to tenderly and fully meet with Awareness every experience that life brings and surrender to it. In this surrender, there is a ‘Great Undoing’, the gradual undoing of all the ‘knots’ of misunderstanding in the rope of Existence.
To embrace the light and dark, the emptiness and fullness, the totality of what it is to be human; to be willing to go into the cave of the heart, is the hero/heroine’s journey. All that is required is willingness, sincerity, an open heart and a deep longing to come Home.
Resistance is futile. Surrender is the invitation.
in Love, ever deepening